Nobody Expected This Fan Fiction!
by Frizz the Eccentric
Summary: Monty Pythons Spanish Inquisition meets the StarTrek universe! R
1. It Begins

**Nobody Expected… This Fan Fiction! **

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek, The Spanish Inquisition or most of the dialog. I'm not making money from this either.

This is something I though of while watching the Monty Python sketch "The Spanish Inquisition" for the millionth time. Forgive me for the lack of creativity.

* * *

(In Deanna Trio's quarters)

Data:-Runs in-

Data: Trouble on the bridge!

Deanna: Oh no! What kind of trouble?

Data: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on trendle.

Deanna: What?

Data: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on trendle.

Deanna: I don't understand what you're saying!

Data (Rather annoyed): One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the trendle!

Deanna: Well what does that mean? This is a star ship! There are no cross beams or trendles! What ever the hell a trendle is.

Data: Commander Riker just told me to tell you that! I did not expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!

-Jarring cord-

-The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez walks in followed by two junior cardinals, Biggles and Fang-

Ximinez: **NOBODY** expects… the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise … and fear… fear and surprise… Our two chief weapons are fear and surprise… and ruthless efficiency… Our _three_ weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency… and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope… Our _four_ … no … _Amongst _our weaponry … Amongst our weaponry …are such elements as fear, surprise … I'll come in again.

-The three exit-

Data (Slightly exasperated): I did not expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

-Jarring cord-

-The three reenter-

Ximinez: **NOBODY **expects… the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: Fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope and nice red uniforms -Oh damn!

Ximinez (aside to Biggles): I can't say it; you'll have to say it!

Biggles: What?

Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about "Our chief weapons are…"

Biggles (Terrified): I couldn't do that!

Ximinez: -Shoves the cardinals into the hall again-

Data (Really annoyed): I did not expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

-Jarring cord-

-The three reenter yet again-

Biggles: Er… nobody… um…

Ximinez: Expects.

Biggles: Expects … Nobody expects the … um… the Spanish… um…

Ximinez: Inquisition.

Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect it…

Ximinez: Our chief weapons are…

Biggles: Our chief weapons are… um… er…

Ximinez: Surprise!

Biggles: Surprise and…

Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there, stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah… Our chief weapons are surprise… blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges!

Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. "My old man said follow the…"

Biggles: That's enough! (To Deanna) How do you plead?

Deanna: We're innocent!

Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Yellow letters appearing out of nowhere: Diabolical laughter

Biggles: We will soon change your mind about that!

Yellow letters appearing out of nowhere: Diabolical acting

Ximinez: Fear, surprise and a most ruthless… -Controls himself with supreme effort- Oooooh! Now, Cardinal… The Rack!

Biggles:- Produces a plastic coated dish drying rack-

Ximinez: -Clenches his teeth in an effort not to loose control. Hums heavily to cover his anger-

Ximinez: You… Right! Tie her down!

Fang and Biggles: -Tie Deanna to the dish drying rack-

Ximinez: Right! How do you plead?

Deanna: Innocent!

Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack… oh dear… give the rack a turn!

Biggles: -Shrugs- I…

Ximinez (gritting his teeth): I _know, _I know you can't . I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Biggles: I…

Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid!

Biggles: Shall I…?

Ximinez: No, just pretend for Gods sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Biggles: -Turns an imaginary handle on the dish drying rack-

-Jarring cord-

-The door flies open and Capt. Picard enters-

Capt. Picard: Who are you?

Deanna: I'm Deann…

Capt. Picard: No, not you! You! -Points to Ximinez-

Ximinez: I am Cardinal Ximinez and we are … The Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapons are…

Capt. Picard: Shut up! Get off my ship!

Ximinez: FINE!

-The three leave-

Data: What was that?

Capt. Picard: That… is what happens when you let 21st century _teenagers _with overactive imaginations write stories about us and put them on the internet!

* * *

See! I was right wasn't I? You didn't expect that at all, did you? 


	2. It Ends

**Nobody Expected… This Fan Fiction! **

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek, The Spanish Inquisition or most of the dialog. I'm not making money from this either.

I decided to continue this not so much because people want me to as because I'm bored and what to get more reviews out of this. Enjoy.

* * *

(In the Crusher's quarters)

Dr. Crusher is sitting on a chair with many photos on her lap. She picks each one up and hands it to Wesley who is sitting on the same chair. Wesley proceeds to tear each one up as it is handed to him. Dr. Crusher is off in her own little world and doesn't notice.

Dr. Crusher (In overly sweet voice): This is Commander Riker in front of the ship. This is Commander Riker at the back of the ship. And this is Commander Riker at the side of the ship.

Wesley: Mom, why do you have all these ancient-style pictures of Riker around the ship?

Dr. Crusher (Annoyed): Shut up Wesley! You're ruining the plot!

Dr. Crusher (Back to sweet voice): And this is commander Riker at the front of the ship, but for some completely unknown reason, you can still see the side of the ship. This is the back of the ship with Commander Riker coming around from the side. And this is the Spanish Inquisition hiding behind a shuttle-craft.

Wesley (Taking interest for the first time): Oh! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!

-Jarring cord-

-The door flies open and the three Cardinals enter-

Ximinez: **NOBODY **expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Voice over and caption: _In the twenty-fourth century, to combat the rising tied of stupid plotlines, the Pope gave Cardinal Ximinez of earth leave to move without let or hindrance throughout the multiverse in a reign of violence terror and torture that makes a smashing fan fiction. This was The Spanish Inquisition! _

(Torchlight dungeon)

The three have chained Dr. Crusher to the wall.

Dr. Crusher: Where did this dungeon come from?

Biggles: Shut up! You're ruining the plot!

Ximinez: Now, old woman…

Dr. Crusher: I'm not old!

Ximinez: What?

Dr. Crusher: I'm not old.

Ximinez: Well I can't just call you woman!

Fang: Isn't this from a different sketch?

Ximinez: Whatever. Now, woman! You are accused of heresy on three counts. Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed and heresy by action…_ four_ counts! Do you confess?

Dr. Crusher: I don't understand what I'm accused of!

Ximinez: Ha! We shale _make _you understand… Biggles! Fetch… the cushions!

-Jarring cord-

-Biggles produces two ordinary cushions-

Biggles: Here they are lord!

Ximinez: Now, lady, you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly…_ two_ last chances. And you shale be free… _three _last chances. You have three last chance, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

Dr. Crusher: I don't know what you're talking about!

Ximinez: Right! If that's what you want… Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushion!

Biggles: -Carries out this "horrible" form of torture-

Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, my lord!

Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up at one end?

Biggles: Yes lord.

Ximinez: -Angrily tosses the cushions away- She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang… fetch… the comfy chair!

-Yet another jarring cord-

-Zoom in on Fang's face, contorted in horror-

Fang: The comfy chair?

Fang: -Wheels out a very plush chair-

Ximinez: So, you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shale see. Biggles! Put her in the comfy chair!

Biggles: -Roughly pushes her into the chair-

Dr. Crusher: Is this like that thing with the drying rack I heard about?

Ximinez: Now, you will stay in the comfy chair until lunchtime, with only a cup of coffee at eleven… (Aside to Biggles) Is that really all there is?

Biggles: Why, yes lord.

Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess woman! Confess! _Confess! Confess! _

Biggles: -Breaks down- I confess!

Ximinez: Not you!

(On the bridge) Worf (Very distressed): I confess!

Ximinez: Who was that?

(On the bridge) Worf (Very distressed): I confess! I confess! I confess!

* * *

You have one last chance! Review now or you will be poked with a soft cushion! 


End file.
